woman

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

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Do you find yourself walking around angry all the time? Do you have an inner voice that always reminds you of all your partner’s wrongdoings and mistakes? Have you become the expert in your relationship in pointing out everything that your spouse is doing wrong in your relationship? If this sounds like you, it will greatly benefit you to take the advice about forgiveness you are about to read to heart.

When you choose not to forgive, it takes a toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you are about being upset with something your partner has done, you are the one miserable by holding onto it. When you wake up each morning thinking about what s wrong, you will walk around with low-level depression. You cannot feel joy because you are too busy being angry or disappointed.

I have worked with many couples who say they want their relationship to heal. And yet, when they are given the tools to implement this healing, they just can’t move forward. Instead of finding effective ways to get beyond the blame game, these couples continue down the road of misery. They feel their partners “must pay” for their mistakes. How very sad. Even sadder are their children immersed in this tense household with parents who care more about being “right” than happy. What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this sounds familiar, you need to realize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. Every day, you decide to view your partner with loving-kindness. To make peace. To make up. To make love. I can promise you that the benefits go far beyond anything you could ever imagine. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of positive changes in your relationship and your life.

If you like this article, check out this one!

Happy Wife, Happy Life

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Did you know that over one million marriages will end in divorce this year, and two-thirds of these divorces will be filed for by women? What makes women so incredibly unhappy in their marriages?

In the earlier years of marriage, women are the primary relationship caretakers. They are the ones monitoring the relationships to make sure there are date nights, closeness, and connection.

Men, initially, are more concerned with the couple’s financial situation and make it their number one concern to provide for the new union. When a man is not responsive to a woman’s initiative to keep the romance alive in the relationship, they become extremely unhappy. This unhappiness leads them to complain about everything under the sun…things that need to be done around the house, responsibilities about the kids, how their free time is spent, and other things. However, when women nag and complain, men tend to turtle up and retreat into their shells. This retreating and lack of communication deteriorates a marriage even more.

After years of unsuccessfully trying to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that changing her husband is impossible. She believes nothing that she can do will work, that she has tried everything. Or at least she thinks she has. No one has taught this couple how to communicate effectively. That’s when she begins to carefully plan and map out her only option, getting a divorce.

While planning her exit from the marriage, she stops trying altogether. She resigns herself to living a life of silence and no communication until she announces her desire to divorce. On the other hand, her husband now thinks his wife’s silence means everything is fine. Her shell-shocked partner thinks, “I had no idea you were unhappy.”

Then, even when her husband is willing to pay attention and undergo real and lasting changes, it’s often too late. The relationship is now in the danger zone. If you’re a woman who fits this description, please don’t give up. I have worked with so many men and seen them make amazing changes once they truly learned how to communicate and listen. I have worked with so many couples helping them strengthen their relationships. Give your husband another chance to get it right. Keep your family intact, together.

If you’re a man reading this and have a complaining and nagging wife, be happy! If she didn’t still care, she wouldn’t still nag.Listen before she goes on shut down mode. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Show her that she is the most important person in your life!

If you can show her that you can change and have a big and open heart, she might just give the marriage another try.

Are relationships challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s

Are relationships challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s 1080 1080 Abbe Lang

Is being in a relationship challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s, and all will be going smoothly; here are tips. 

THE MANUAL

As a man, the ability to rise in society will entail coming up with solutions that fight personal challenges. After all, being a man is not easy; men have to be strong mentally. Society also expects them to be strong physically. The physical part is not as essential as long as the brains function accordingly. So N.U.T.s and relationships work hand in hand. It is not a matter of society alone; men have to hold on to their N.U.T.s when in a relationship. Reflecting on how a man does not like the feeling when referred to a boy. It takes all the perceptions of what men think about themselves in society to another level of self-belief. This is where silencing the little boy factors in. When a grown-up man is referred to as a boy, they are not emotionally independent. Either they still seek motherly and fatherly attention because they lacked it while young. For a man to run a healthy relationship, the little boy has to be silenced. 

“Yes, men are humans who have affection, and feelings flow just like anyone else in society. But the N.U.T.s are important here; a man has to hold on to his. In a situation where feelings are superior to control, it is okay to express them but not make a mistake of defending the feelings. A relationship with a man who expresses feelings but does not defend the feelings means that the woman will receive what she wants and strengthen the bond. When feelings are not expressed, then chances of anger issues rise, stress, and maybe depression, so men have to hold on to their N.U.T.s.”

There is only one way to make your woman feel special as she used to when the relationship began, maintain the dominance in romance and sex departments. As the relationship grows, men often forget to be superior in the departments. The relaxation part destroys the relationship as expectations arise from the woman, but the man does not fulfill them. We can assume that the man has loosened his N.U.T.s. It is a detrimental aspect of a relationship. Maintain the dominance since when it comes to holding on to your N.U.T.s, dominance in the two departments is part of the interactions.

MORE ISSUES THAT MEN SHOULD RESOLVE

Men’s other significant issues in a relationship are arguing, not listening to the significant other, not trusting, and forgetting to be the pillar. 

Listening entails caring for your woman since listening will allow you to get all the gaps and establish a closer understanding. Then arguments are a bad sign in a relationship when the man is the core operator. 

Yes, everyone wants to be right, but when it comes to the safety of the relationship, a man doesn’t have to be right. You can assume and abandon being right. It will limit arguments. 

Be the pillar by fixing your woman’s problems, be there for her when she needs you; you will become the rock. 

After observing all these, make sure you hold on to your N.U.T.s through trust. The trust is not in the relationship but with other men. Women cannot offer the whole world; part of it should come from friends. These people will fight you when you are wrong and advise you on the best approaches to solving issues and life challenges. In the end, men should never accept any factor or aspect that compromises their N.U.T.s. 

Why We Hurt In Intimate Relationships

Why We Hurt In Intimate Relationships

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When our partners hurt us in our intimate relationships, it can cut deeper than any pain imaginable. Our partners know our buttons, our weaknesses, and our pain. When they wound us, it is often because they have touched on a childhood issue. We have conflicts in our relationship when our partners hurt us. Conflict or hurt is only growth trying to happen. When we feel hurt or angry, we must recommit to our own journey of self-love and healing. In doing so, we recommit to our partner by saying, “I will stick with this uncomfortable feeling and work it out with you.” We don’t want to shove that hurt feeling down inside and let resentment build. Our next step is sharing that hurt with our partners in a constructive way. I teach my clients to use Imago Dialogue to share their feelings of hurt and disappointment. Imago Dialogue enables each partner to have a turn in talking while the other person listens, repeats, validates, and acknowledges. This is a very powerful tool in getting to the root cause of your hurt or pain.

Effective communication is crucial to a healthy relationship. Having good communication skills may not solve or resolve every problem or issue, but no problem or issue will be resolved with them!   Some days we may communicate better than other days, but we can never choose not to communicate or shut down in our intimate relationships.

We often aren’t even aware of how little we listen to our partners. They speak, and in our minds, we think, “I have heard this a million times before.”

Maybe you have heard it, but never have you really listened, repeated your partner’s feelings, validated those feeling, and then finally empathized with your partner for having these feelings in the first place. When you take the time to accurately understand what your partner says, what they mean, you will deepen your love connection and avoid unnecessary hurt and pain.

Let’s go over these steps of Conscious communication with your partner to resolve your hurt and angry feelings.

The first step is MIRRORING.

Mirroring is the process of completely listening to your partner and accurately reflecting the entire “content” of their message. Most times, repeating back the exact words that your partner is saying is most effective.

Some specific phrases for mirroring include

Let me see if I got you…

I heard you say…

Did I get that …

After repeating back your partner’s feelings, you always ask, “Is there anything else?” This enables your partner to continue to share on a deeper level. Often your partner will really get to the bottom of their hurt and angry feeling by digging deep here.

The second step is VALIDATION.

Validation is communicating to your partner that the information you are receiving and mirroring “makes sense.” It is very important that you always remember these feelings are not your own. They are your partner’s hurt and angry feelings, and you need to agree and validate them no matter how crazy they may seem.

This is crucial. Don’t let your ego get in the way here. It isn’t about winning an argument. It is about uncovering your partner’s childhood wounds.

Some typical statements of validation can include

“You make sense to me…”.

“I can understand that you feel this way given that….” 

“I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do….”

The final step is EMPATHY.

Empathy is recognizing the feelings that your partner is sharing.

It is the process of reflecting, imagining, and participating in how your partner is feeling. Empathy allows both partners to overcome their own individual feelings, even for just a moment, and experience a genuine meeting of the minds. This experience has tremendous healing power.

Some typical phrases for empathic communication include

“I can imagine that when that happens, you may feel…”

“I can see that you are feeling…”

at the deepest level, “I am experiencing your (feelings)….”

A relationship is like a spiral repeating the stages of love and the experience of repair and connection through conscious communication. You enter the relationship through a doorway of love, hit the hurts and power struggles, repair and work on your connection again. Your hurts and pain become lessened each time you can successfully complete the conscious communication process through the proper safe dialogue.

This is because you can truly understand what is going on for your partner and are willing to take that journey to help heal them.

10 Tips for a Happier Relationship

10 Tips for a Happier Relationship

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No matter how good your relationship is, there is always room for improvement. In fact, making the effort to keep things fresh is probably the best tip I have to create a happier relationship. But that can be broken down into more specific actions that will strengthen your relationship, whether you already think it’s perfect or if you feel like it needs a little help.

1. Focus on the positive.

Every day, think of one thing you really appreciate about your partner. But don’t just think about it. Tell him what it is you appreciate. “I really love how you make me a cup of coffee every morning.” “I really appreciate how you always pick up after yourself.” “It makes me happy that you always remember to say thank you when I do something, no matter how small it is.” When someone feels appreciated, they will do more things for you to appreciate!

2. Kiss and tell.

Make it a point, every time you leave or greet your partner, to kiss him and tell him you love him. And I’m not talking about a little peck on the cheek. I’m talking about a real kiss. Kissing triggers the production of oxytocin in the brain. Oxytocin is known as “the love hormone” because it works to strengthen the bond between two people.

3. Keep learning.

You may think you know everything about the person you married, but I bet there’s still a lot you don’t know. Deepen your relationship by asking open-ended questions. Ask his opinion, not something that can just be answered with a yes or no. Who knows? He may even learn a thing or two about himself.

4. Don’t stop dreaming.

Everyone has dreams. Don’t forget them when you get caught up in the everyday routine of making ends meet. Spend some time relaxing and ask, “If you could do/have/make/experience anything, what would it be?” Spend some time day dreaming about things you both would like to do or accomplish and maybe even brain storm ways to make those things happen. Then offer your support because when you support each other’s dreams, you become closer and stronger as a couple.

5. Never stop dating.

Set aside one night a week to just dress up and have a good time. Do the things you used to do before you got married. Remember what made you fall in love and re-live those things. There is only one rule: You can’t talk about bills, kids, work or anything else that is part of your mundane day-to-day life. If you struggle with this, it’s a sign that you need to work on it more. Don’t give up! Your relationship is worth the effort.

6. Use the power of touch.

Touch connects us physically, but looking for opportunities to touch will create a stronger emotional bond as well. Hold his hand, rub his shoulders or let your thigh rest against his while you sit next to each other. Just like kissing, touch releases hormones in the brain that build your emotional bond.

7. Find a common ground.

We can’t always agree on everything, but at least make the effort to meet in the middle. In many relationships, one person is always the one to give in. But in strong relationships, partners care about each other enough to not always have to get their own way. Keep it fair for both of you.

8. Seek out the positive.

If you need to bring up something negative, make sure to wrap it in plenty of positives. “I love watching movies with you but I have a hard time with the volume being so loud. If you turn it down just a bit, I can still enjoy the funny comments you make during the movie.”

9. Live in the moment.

When you focus on now, you’re less likely to obsess about the past or stress over the future. Certainly it’s important to make future plans, but focusing on the now will bring more joy to your relationship.

10. Keep it real.

Don’t exaggerate faults or use terms like “You always…” and “You never…” when you have disagreements. Don’t bring up issues that don’t relate to the situation you are discussing. Focus on what’s really happening and discuss your feelings instead of blaming him for how you feel. After all, no one can make you feel something. Your feelings and how you respond to them are your choice, so own them.
These are just a few tips that will strengthen your relationship and make it more solid every day. When you keep these tips in mind, you’ll find yourself falling more and more in love. Your man will feel that growing love and his love for you will grow more, too. You’ll have a relationship that most people only dream about!
Want to learn more? My Relationship Bundle has a much more in-depth look on how to meet and land a real catch, how to keep him interested, as well as a unique perspective about how men perceive us.

Unhealthy Stress – How your Adrenal Glands Can Affect Your Health

Unhealthy Stress – How your Adrenal Glands Can Affect Your Health

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I realized last week that I may have been burning the candle at both ends. After a restful weekend, my body wanted to crash at about 4pm on Monday afternoon. I had went to the gym that day – well actually went to two gyms that day – and by late afternoon I felt extremely fatigued and achy. I didn’t have the symptoms of any type of flu but surely felt like I had the onset of some sort of flu virus coming on. It dawned on me that I had been pushing myself too hard and I was under a great amount of mental, emotional and physical stress for the past few months. My adrenal glands were not happy!

Looking back over the past few weeks and maybe even months, I realized the significant amount of stress that I was under left my cortisol levels too high. This can lead to disruptive sleep and days filled with caffeine cravings. In my case, this past week the added stress left me with lower cortisol levels, leaving my immune system exposed and overreacting to pathogens.

Support your Glands!

What Are Adrenal Glands Anyway?

The adrenal glands are a key organ system for managing fluid balance, managing inflammation and providing sustained energy throughout the day. The adrenals help you sail through the negative effects of stress, including emotional, mental and physical stress, and they fight fatigue and muscular weakness.

Today’s stressful lifestyles and poor “fast-food” dietary habits have a cumulative stressful effect on the adrenal glands. You may even find that your cravings for salty foods stem from your adrenals losing the ability to balance minerals like sodium, potassium and magnesium in your blood. In turn, this leads to cravings for foods which will replace the sodium that we have lost. Your ability to respond to stress well is directly affected by adrenal function. It directly affects your level of muscular strength, blood sugar levels, energy levels and sense of well being.

Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue

  • Asthma
  • Dark Circles under the eyes
  • Dizziness
  • Dry Skin
  • Extreme Tiredness an hour after exercise
  • Frequent urination
  • Joint pain
  • Loss of muscle tone
  • Joint pain
  • Low blood pressure
  • Low sex drive
  • Lower back pain
  • Numbness in your fingers /Poor circulation
  • Weight gain

Stress Hormones

Stress hormones such as cortisol are produced and regulated by the adrenal glands. They are created to help the body to deal with stressful situations by increasing the heart rate and the force of contraction and blood flow to the heart, liver, skeletal and adipose tissue. They also dilate airways to the lungs and increase blood levels of glucose and fatty acids. Stress hormones and their effects are linked to virtually every body system. Thus, many physiological processes and bodily functions, including cardiovascular health, sex drive, pH balance, skin conditions, energy levels, mood and overall psychological outlook often correlate to adrenal gland function.

In my ebook Secrets of Weight Loss, Diet and Staying Lean Forever (which is also part of my Health & Beauty Bundle) I discuss foods to eat and avoid for healthy adrenal function.

Prevent Symptoms of Menopause Naturally

Prevent Symptoms of Menopause Naturally

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Perimenopause and menopause are natural processes that every woman goes through. They are not diseases or disorders, so why do so many women go to the doctor when they enter this period of their lives? The truth is, if your body isn’t balanced, the symptoms of menopause can be pretty miserable. Hot flashes, mood changes, weight gain… you may feel like your body is out of control and you don’t know how to get that control back again. Don’t worry. You’re not alone. And even better? There are things you can do to control those symptoms without resorting to prescriptions.

(Suffering from a cold this winter? Read this post!)

Herbs to Prevent Symptoms of Menopause

Herbs work wonderfully for preventing menopause and perimenopause symptoms because they are able to adapt to your body’s needs. Because of this ability, they can adapt to your hormonal fluctuations, helping to ease symptoms. Here are some of the best herbs for menopause:

Ashwagandha
Sometimes called Indian Ginseng, Ashwagandha is an adaptogen herb that can help improve libido, improve sleep, and reduce depression and anxiety.
Black Cohosh
Native Americans knew that Black Cohosh root was useful in treating sleep disturbances, irritability, hot flashes and night sweats experienced during menopause and perimenopause. It may also increase vaginal lubrication.
Chasteberry
Also known as Vitex, Chasteberry balances the pituitary gland which in turn balances the production of estrogen and progesterone in your body. It can help relieve hot flashes, depression and the irregular menstrual cycles of perimenopuase.
Dong Quai
This herb has been used in Chinese medicine for over 2000 years and is known as an herb especially helpful for women. It helps fight fatigue and may help with irregular menstrual cycles.
Hops
Not just for making beer, hops have a powerful form of phytoestrogen called 8-prenylnaringenin. When taken daily, studies have found that 8-prenylnaringenin can prevent hot flashes, improve sleep, and reduce irritability.
Passionflower
This beautiful flower is used to treat insomnia because of its ability to relax and calm you. It’s also useful in treating anxiety because it helps increase the production of GABA in the brain. In fact, research has shown it to work better than some prescription medications for treating anxiety with out the side effects.

Did you know? Herbs can not only do wonders for preventing your menopausal symptoms naturally, but they can also help slow or even prevent signs of aging, boost your immune system, cure insomnia, among other things! To learn more, check out my books The Power of Anti-Aging Herbs & Vitamins and The Power of Bio-Identical Hormones.

Lifestyle Changes

Herbs can really work wonders for your health, but to work their best you should also follow a healthy lifestyle. Daily exercise, at least 30 minutes a day, will help help control menopausal weight gain, improve your mood and help you sleep better. A proper diet is also essential. Make sure you have plenty of fruits and vegetables at each meal. Don’t forget to get enough protein and don’t be afraid of healthy fats. Eliminating grains can also produce amazing results in your overall health.

If you’re already having trouble sleeping, try to stick to a sleep schedule, even on the weekends, because adequate sleep is essential. Of course, make sure to drink plenty of clean, fluoride-free water. Eliminate processed foods and focus your diet on whole foods and the menopausal period of your life will be just another happy chapter in your book.

Ladies-let’s not be Jealous

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Hey Ladies-

Just wanted to reach out and touch on that ugly topic of Jealousy! You know about that ugly headed monster, right? Well I am here to tell you the facts about men, jealousy and your new attitude ! anytime a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.

Remember, inside the bedroom as well as on the outside, men are used to woman acting and sounding jealous. If you want to get his attention YOU need to act differently. You need to be walking around with the confidence that you aren’t concerned in the Least about other woman. You don’t try to compete, measure up or compare!

If you don’t trust him then stop seeing him. But, until you have a reason not to trust him you should absolutely behave as if you do. Your actions should always convey the confidence “Well, Of Course , he wants to be with Me.” Give it a try ladies and fill me in on your results.

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