Introduction
Coaching is a great way to strengthen your relationship, but it can be intimidating. The idea of meeting with a stranger, or even someone you know well, can be scary enough. If you’re feeling anxious about starting couples coaching, here are some tips to help ease your mind:
Keep your values in mind.
As you start to consider the various changes your relationship needs, it can be helpful to keep some things in mind.
Firstly, think about what are your values? What matters most to you? Values are the foundation of who we are and what we stand for. They can be expressed as statements of purpose, mission statements or values statements. For example: “I value being a good parent.” Or: “My family comes first.” When making decisions about how our relationships should work out in the future, these values provide important guidance on whether our choices align with what’s important to us as individuals and as a couple.
Make a list of your partner’s strengths.
If you want to be successful in couples coaching, it is important to know what your partner’s strengths are. Take the time to make a list of their strengths. Be honest and consider both their personal and relationship-related strengths. Consider what you like about them, as well as what you don’t like about them. Once you have done this exercise, share your lists with each other and see where there are areas of commonality or difference between the two of you.
Make a list of your own strengths.
It’s common for people to focus on their weaknesses, but what about the strengths? Take some time to reflect on your own strengths. Be honest with yourself, and remember that you are not perfect! Use these strengths to your advantage in order to improve your relationship.
Consider how you want to be treated… and how you want to treat your partner.
- Consider how you treat your partner.
- Consider how you want to be treated by your partner.
- Consider how you treat yourself.
- Consider how you treat others.
Come up with at least 5 ways to be more consistent and predictable with your partner right now…and plan to add one more each month.
This is a good tip to follow when working with a couples coach. It’s also something that you can do for yourself. By making a plan to add one more each month, you will get much better results than if you tried to accomplish it all at once.
For example, if your goal is to be more consistent and predictable in your relationship, then make a plan for how you are going to do that by saying things like “I want my partner and I to go on three dates this month and we will talk about them afterwards” or “I will call my partner on his birthday every year without fail.”
Create a list of the 5 worst moments in your relationship.
- Create a list of the 5 worst moments in your relationship.
- How did you handle these moments?
- What did you learn from these moments?
- What do you want to do differently next time?
Consider the best aspects of your relationship right now.
It’s natural to want to fix what’s wrong in your relationship, but it’s not always helpful. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship, think about what is working for you as a couple and try to figure out why.
For example, if you feel like there is too much conflict in your relationship, ask yourself what makes it possible for the two of you to work out those conflicts. Maybe one person is more willing than the other partner to compromise or maybe both partners are equally stubborn when it comes down to finding solutions—either way, this can help provide insight into how those conflicts arise and might even point toward some positive aspects of your overall dynamic as a couple.
Or say that one partner wants more sex than the other; instead of diving straight into how they can involve their partner more often (or less), try considering why they want sex so much. Is this a new development? Have they always wanted sex frequently? Do they get excited thinking about sex with their partner specifically? This may seem unrelated at first glance; however, when coupled with accepting that people have different sexual needs because everyone has different preferences by nature (and not just because someone has been hurt before), this information can help partners understand each other without making value judgments or accusations based solely on gender stereotypes rather than individual differences.
Become aware of how you engage in problem solving in other areas of your life… and see whether similar techniques can apply to bring harmony back into your relationship.
As you consider the problem-solving techniques you already use in your life, consider whether you could apply similar techniques to bring harmony back into your relationship. What are some of the ways that you solve problems? Some people like to brainstorm and discuss options while others want to act right away. If one person prefers a more analytical approach while another is more impulsive, it’s important that both parties feel heard and understood by the partner who takes a different approach.
Consider how your partner approaches solving problems as well. Does she prefer talking things out or does she prefer doing something active rather than talking about things? Do both of you have similar methods of solving problems? Or do they differ significantly from each other? If so, this may be one area where coaching could help improve communication between the two of you and enable better communication moving forward in other areas as well!
How do you handle conflict? Do you have patterns…or do you try to handle each situation on its own terms in the moment? If there are patterns, what can you do about them?
- Are you aware of your patterns?
- If there are changes that need to happen, consider where those changes need to start…and make an internal commitment to work on that first before expecting a change from anyone else.
If there are changes that need to happen, consider where those changes need to start…and make an internal commitment to work on that first before expecting a change from anyone else.
What is the first thing to change?
It’s a question worth asking. Because if you don’t start with yourself and your internal commitment, then no one else will do it for you. You can’t expect your partner to change unless you are willing to do the work first. And before anyone does anything else, they need to make an internal commitment themselves (a commitment that often comes down to “I want this relationship more than anything else in my life right now”).
But what if there are changes that need to happen? That’s where couples coaching comes in handy! We’ve already covered how important communication is; if something isn’t working between partners, it’s important not only that they talk about what specifically isn’t working but also why it’s not working and how they could make things better instead of letting things get worse over time.
Preparation is essential for a successful couples counseling experience
Preparation is essential for a successful couples counseling experience. It’s important to prepare yourself, your partner, and your relationship by taking some time to reflect on what you want out of the counseling process.
- Take some time to think about what you are hoping to get out of your work with me. What do you hope for? How would it make things different between you and your partner?
- Consider the possibility that change may occur even if it doesn’t seem possible now. If change is possible, what kind of change would be helpful for both of you?
- Consider how awareness can help in building up strengths and dealing with weaknesses within yourselves individually or as a couple.
Conclusion
If you want to get the most out of your couples coaching, then you need to be prepared. You need to know what you want from the session and what you hope to gain from it.
For the process to work well for both partners, each person must be willing and able to communicate honestly about their feelings and desires. There are many skills that can help with this process (such as active listening), but it all starts with being aware of what those feelings are in the first place!