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Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.
Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. 1080 1080 Abbe Lang

Do you find yourself walking around angry all the time? Do you have an inner voice that always reminds you of all your partner’s wrongdoings and mistakes? Have you become the expert in your relationship in pointing out everything that your spouse is doing wrong in your relationship? If this sounds like you, it will greatly benefit you to take the advice about forgiveness you are about to read to heart.

When you choose not to forgive, it takes a toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you are about being upset with something your partner has done, you are the one miserable by holding onto it. When you wake up each morning thinking about what s wrong, you will walk around with low-level depression. You cannot feel joy because you are too busy being angry or disappointed.

I have worked with many couples who say they want their relationship to heal. And yet, when they are given the tools to implement this healing, they just can’t move forward. Instead of finding effective ways to get beyond the blame game, these couples continue down the road of misery. They feel their partners “must pay” for their mistakes. How very sad. Even sadder are their children immersed in this tense household with parents who care more about being “right” than happy. What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this sounds familiar, you need to realize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. Every day, you decide to view your partner with loving-kindness. To make peace. To make up. To make love. I can promise you that the benefits go far beyond anything you could ever imagine. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of positive changes in your relationship and your life.

If you like this article, check out this one!

Happy Wife, Happy Life
Happy Wife, Happy Life 1080 1080 Abbe Lang

Did you know that over one million marriages will end in divorce this year, and two-thirds of these divorces will be filed for by women? What makes women so incredibly unhappy in their marriages?

In the earlier years of marriage, women are the primary relationship caretakers. They are the ones monitoring the relationships to make sure there are date nights, closeness, and connection.

Men, initially, are more concerned with the couple’s financial situation and make it their number one concern to provide for the new union. When a man is not responsive to a woman’s initiative to keep the romance alive in the relationship, they become extremely unhappy. This unhappiness leads them to complain about everything under the sun…things that need to be done around the house, responsibilities about the kids, how their free time is spent, and other things. However, when women nag and complain, men tend to turtle up and retreat into their shells. This retreating and lack of communication deteriorates a marriage even more.

After years of unsuccessfully trying to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that changing her husband is impossible. She believes nothing that she can do will work, that she has tried everything. Or at least she thinks she has. No one has taught this couple how to communicate effectively. That’s when she begins to carefully plan and map out her only option, getting a divorce.

While planning her exit from the marriage, she stops trying altogether. She resigns herself to living a life of silence and no communication until she announces her desire to divorce. On the other hand, her husband now thinks his wife’s silence means everything is fine. Her shell-shocked partner thinks, “I had no idea you were unhappy.”

Then, even when her husband is willing to pay attention and undergo real and lasting changes, it’s often too late. The relationship is now in the danger zone. If you’re a woman who fits this description, please don’t give up. I have worked with so many men and seen them make amazing changes once they truly learned how to communicate and listen. I have worked with so many couples helping them strengthen their relationships. Give your husband another chance to get it right. Keep your family intact, together.

If you’re a man reading this and have a complaining and nagging wife, be happy! If she didn’t still care, she wouldn’t still nag.Listen before she goes on shut down mode. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Show her that she is the most important person in your life!

If you can show her that you can change and have a big and open heart, she might just give the marriage another try.

Are relationships challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s
Are relationships challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s 1080 1080 Abbe Lang

Is being in a relationship challenging for you as a man? Just hold on to your N.U.T.s, and all will be going smoothly; here are tips. 

THE MANUAL

As a man, the ability to rise in society will entail coming up with solutions that fight personal challenges. After all, being a man is not easy; men have to be strong mentally. Society also expects them to be strong physically. The physical part is not as essential as long as the brains function accordingly. So N.U.T.s and relationships work hand in hand. It is not a matter of society alone; men have to hold on to their N.U.T.s when in a relationship. Reflecting on how a man does not like the feeling when referred to a boy. It takes all the perceptions of what men think about themselves in society to another level of self-belief. This is where silencing the little boy factors in. When a grown-up man is referred to as a boy, they are not emotionally independent. Either they still seek motherly and fatherly attention because they lacked it while young. For a man to run a healthy relationship, the little boy has to be silenced. 

“Yes, men are humans who have affection, and feelings flow just like anyone else in society. But the N.U.T.s are important here; a man has to hold on to his. In a situation where feelings are superior to control, it is okay to express them but not make a mistake of defending the feelings. A relationship with a man who expresses feelings but does not defend the feelings means that the woman will receive what she wants and strengthen the bond. When feelings are not expressed, then chances of anger issues rise, stress, and maybe depression, so men have to hold on to their N.U.T.s.”

There is only one way to make your woman feel special as she used to when the relationship began, maintain the dominance in romance and sex departments. As the relationship grows, men often forget to be superior in the departments. The relaxation part destroys the relationship as expectations arise from the woman, but the man does not fulfill them. We can assume that the man has loosened his N.U.T.s. It is a detrimental aspect of a relationship. Maintain the dominance since when it comes to holding on to your N.U.T.s, dominance in the two departments is part of the interactions.

MORE ISSUES THAT MEN SHOULD RESOLVE

Men’s other significant issues in a relationship are arguing, not listening to the significant other, not trusting, and forgetting to be the pillar. 

Listening entails caring for your woman since listening will allow you to get all the gaps and establish a closer understanding. Then arguments are a bad sign in a relationship when the man is the core operator. 

Yes, everyone wants to be right, but when it comes to the safety of the relationship, a man doesn’t have to be right. You can assume and abandon being right. It will limit arguments. 

Be the pillar by fixing your woman’s problems, be there for her when she needs you; you will become the rock. 

After observing all these, make sure you hold on to your N.U.T.s through trust. The trust is not in the relationship but with other men. Women cannot offer the whole world; part of it should come from friends. These people will fight you when you are wrong and advise you on the best approaches to solving issues and life challenges. In the end, men should never accept any factor or aspect that compromises their N.U.T.s. 

Meet and Marry the Perfect Guy

Meet and Marry the Perfect Guy
Meet and Marry the Perfect Guy 960 960 Abbe Lang

Ladies are you single and frustrated with the dating scene? Are you losing any hope on meeting and marrying the perfect guy? Well let me assure you there are plenty of great guys out there just waiting to meet their perfect woman! (PS- Is he married already? If so, RUN AWAY!) And when I say perfect I don’t mean a guy with simply a perfect face, a chiseled body, and zero personality! I’m talking about meeting a guy who is perfect for YOU. Men are looking to meet a woman who is comfortable with her self. A woman who is self assured, sexy and has confidence. Have you ever looked at a woman and wondered, “How did she land such a perfect guy?” I know I did! I married my husband 7 years ago and he is 14 years younger than me. He chased me for a solid year straight before I even said yes to a date. He knew I was divorced and had 3 children but none of that mattered because of the way I carried myself.

My Story

I was convinced from the moment I divorced that I would meet and marry the perfect guy. I actually kept a piece of paper in my pocket every day that had the attributes that I expected to attract when looking for that perfect guy to meet and date.
I must admit, when I was going through my divorce I dated a lot of really great guys. Everyone used to ask how come I could meet so many nice men and they were having trouble doing so. I think one of the things I noticed that my other separated or divorce girlfriends were doing was that they were acting very cynical. It was almost like they hated all men. They wanted to meet this great guy but were putting out an attitude each and every time they were out and about or even on their dates.
When I met my husband Joe, he seemed like a nice guy and we became friends. I have to admit he wanted to date me from the start but I didn’t see a love connection since he was so much younger than me. However, I saw a really nice person and we connected and allowed our friendship to grow. After a whole year of Joe asking me out on dates (he asked me out every single Monday for a year!) I finally agreed and said yes. We met that week and had our first kiss, and we were pretty much inseparable after that! I’ll be honest, I probably didn’t actively follow every piece of advice I’ve outlined in my previous blog posts, but keep reading! Even if you only apply 25% of my advice, you are guaranteed to see results!

How YOU can Meet and Marry the Perfect Guy!

One of the first things you need to do before meeting the perfect guy is to work on yourself. Look your best! The better you feel and look, the more you will attract the perfect guy. You can find numerous tips on eating healthy in my eBooks. When you eat healthy and work out you will feel better.
You truly need to carry yourself like you are a prize. A prize that any man would want to pursue, date and marry. In order to do that you don’t need to be a beauty queen. It’s the way you carry yourself. You smile, you are self-assured, your hair and makeup are on point, you keep up with current events, you don’t settle and most of all you never chase a guy. Any guy you need to chase, is not worth having, trust me.
Once you are out on a date you never show that getting married and making babies are foremost on your mind. You need to show up on your date as your most charming self, not cynical or jaded. You need to know that the only thing that matters is that you are relaxed and self-assured. He will either love your or not. It’s never your fault if he doesn’t call. You shake it off. It’s his loss.
Men like a challenge. They like to be left with wanting some more. Keep your date short and sweet and end the date before he does no matter how good it is going.
If you begin to date the same great guy steadily remember to keep your cool. Allow him to text or call you first always. Be sure he is always trying harder than you are to make plans and get together. Learn his love languages, and teach him yours. If you remain a challenge to him until the very end he will know the only way to “have” you, to “have” all of you is to propose.
All of this, and much, much more is outlined in my eBook How to Meet & Marry a Great Man, which gives you a ton of practical, no-BS advice for less than the cost of two Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes!
Keeping your engagement and marriage spicy comes next!

Successful Marriages need a Game Plan
Successful Marriages need a Game Plan 150 150 Abbe Lang

The decision to get married will change one’s life more deeply than almost any other decision we could ever make. So it continues to amaze me that people will rush into marriage with little or no Relationship preparation or Communication skills that are needed for making a marriage successful. Couples pay far more attention to planning the actual wedding day when the festivities last a few hours and the relationship can and should last a lifetime. Most people don’t even go into marriage with a healthy dating relationship under their belt.

Healthy dating relationships focus on really getting to know the other person. What you see on the outside is not necessarily what you will discover on the inside. Both partners need a certain level of honesty in order to expose their true selves. In my coaching practice, I teach my clients that we all have Gremlins. These Gremlins are labels that we have given ourselves probably way back in childhood. We tend to overreact in our intimate relationships when our partners touch upon these “wounds” Every couple has a unique history. Sometimes it takes a 3rd party to help us feel safe to share our histories. Especially if we feel shame or embarrassment about our pasts. Taking the time prior to marriage to learn the skills to communicate will save you much hardship, tears, and frustrations in the future.

Love you…Love you not
Love you…Love you not 150 150 Abbe Lang

If only all of our loving feelings could last forever. Remember the amazing passionate feeling of just falling in love. You feel so connected. Like you are one with each other. This intimate connection however actually pushes you towards learning your greatest life lessons that you need to know. Some of these lessons are unfinished business from your childhood. Your romantic relationships allow you to bond with each other. The difficult part sometimes is learning how to release. If your personal boundaries are not developed , you may have trouble giving your partner freedom in your relationship. You may cling to him or her, avoid telling the complete truth , run from each other. Many people are unwilling to do the work that stands behind the initial addictive feeling when we fall in love. Some people are just addicted to the chemistry of romance and want to avoid personal growth. In the long run however, there is no escaping the life lessons you will learn from being in a committed relationship.

Intimate Relationships and loving too much
Intimate Relationships and loving too much 150 150 Abbe Lang

When being in love means being upset and being in pain we are loving too much. When most or all of our conversations are about our intimate partner, his or her thoughts, feelings and desires then we are loving too much.
When we continue to make excuses for his or her moodiness, bad temper, criticism, and behaviors, we are loving too much.
When we are reading self help books or seeing a therapist or coach for the “other” person, we are loving too much.
When our intimate relationships jeopardize our emotional well being and perhaps even our physical health, we are surely loving too much.
I hope that for all of you who love too much that you may consider Relationship Coaching to become more aware of the reality of your condition, and to learn how to direct that loving energy toward your own life and self.

Why did I fall in love with Him???? Her ?????
Why did I fall in love with Him???? Her ????? 150 150 Abbe Lang

Why do we fall in love with the people we do?

The basic reason is what I call the images that are created from our past- they are a buried internal images created in childhood of one or both of our caretakers. This image serves two purposes: it helps the baby recognize and distinguish the parents from other adults so that nurturing can take place; and in adulthood, this unconscious image of the parents helps you to unconsciously select a person to fall in love with — a person who is similar to your parents. This image includes the positive and negative traits of both  of your parents, and also includes your parents’ limitations in nurturing, loving or supporting you. We are attracted to people like our parents in order to finish the business we didn’t finish with them. Unconsciously, we feel like we’re in a survival mode, and so when we meet someone who is similar to our parents — we go into a kind of euphoria because deep down inside we believe we’re now going to get what we didn’t get in childhood. That’s what triggers the impulse most commonly called “romantic love.” The definition of romantic love I like the best is that it is  looking forward toanticipated need satisfaction that will soon be disappointed.”

How long does romantic love last? I’ve been in a relationship for six years now, and it still feels very romantic.

After six years in a relationship, if there has been much time spent together, there has to have been some ruptures in the romantic illusion: something one of you is doing really irritates the other, and the energy of the response to that irritation is intense. When the illusion breaks down a bit, you see some reality in your partner. You don’t say, “Hey, that’s like my mother or my father,” but you nevertheless react.

In the romantic phase, we don’t do much analysis — we just try to repair the rupture when it occurs, saying, “Oh well, it was just a bad day,” or “We love each other; we’ll get over it.” Lovers make lots of excuses to sustain the illusion. The romantic impulse is built into us, so it’s a natural response.

Research indicates that the bonding seems to end in most people after about three years;  When the bonding is secure, there’s a growing shift in our perception towards irritability, disappointment, frustration, increasing conflict — “You’re not the person that I thought you were” kind of thing. Neurochemists say that there’s an amphetamine high when you fall in love, which reduces into an endorphin sense of well-being. And when the bonding is there, the endorphins begin to be replaced by adrenaline. Then you’ve moved into the “power struggle,” which is where most couples stay fixed for most of their marriages: they either function in a “hot marriage” — fighting — or a “parallel marriage” — living together but not interacting much. Or they get a divorce and end it all, or they do what I recommend: become conscious in their marriage, heal each other, and go on to live out their dreams.

Stay tuned for my continuing blog on Why we fall in love with the people that we do.

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