divorce

Divorce Survival Tips

8 Divorce Survival Tips

8 Divorce Survival Tips 800 533 Abbe Lang

Women need to be careful when they are hit with a divorce, because they can easily let themselves be taken advantage of without even realizing it. These 8 divorce survival tips can help you make it easier on yourself.

Make Copies

Be sure to have copies of everything, because if you don’t, they will probably be gone when you realize you need them. Put these things in a safe deposit box that only you can access.
Things you need copies of include:

  • Tax returns (last 3 years)
  • Account statements from banks and investment firms
  • Pay stubs
  • Insurance information
  • 401K information
  • Stocks
  • Receipts
  • Mortgage statements
  • Loan agreements
  • Credit applications (which typically lists assets that you may need to know as the divorce progresses)

Check Your Credit Report

Make sure you know what your credit report looks like and have any errors fixed. Then make a list of any debts that are joint accounts, because no matter what the divorce decree says, if both names are on the debt, both of you are responsible for it. If he decides not to pay it, it will affect your credit.

Open Accounts in Your Own Name

You will need to build credit independent of your husband (and his income). At the very least, you will want to open bank accounts in your name only. If you don’t have much of a credit history because thins are in his name, open a credit card or two in your name.

Know Your Social Security Benefits

Did you know that if you’ve been married for at least 10 years, you may be entitled to half of your spouse’s social security benefits? This can be the case even if he remarries. There are some conditions that need to be met, andyou can more by visiting the Social Security website.

Get a P.O. Box

If you are still living in the same home, or if there is any possibility that he can access your mail box, you will want to ensure your correspondence is safe. You will likely be getting mail from your attorney as well as other private things relating to your divorce. This is information he should not have access to, so get yourself a post office box, just to be safe.

Change Your Passwords

Even though experts warn against it, most of us use the same password over and over, or choose passwords based on things in our lives. Since you have been sharing your lives up to this point, your passwords may be very easy to figure out, allowing him access to your email, social media, shopping sites and anything else accessible via computer.

Secure Irreplaceable Items

Photos, jewelry and other special items that can’t be replaced should be moved to a secure place where they can’t disappear. Keep in mind, your memories are often memories shared by him. If possible, consider making copies so you both have the mementos that are important to you.

Join a Support Group

You might think this isn’t needed, but when your emotions get the best of you, you will need someone to talk to. Mutual friends may not always be the best choice, and it’s never a good idea to badmouth your spouse in front of your kids when you’re upset. A support group, or even a therapist, will allow you a safe place to express your feelings without causing problems for anyone else.
A group can also help keep you level-headed when you have important decisions to make that will affect your future. In addition to these 8 divorce survival tips, you may also be able to learn other strategies to help you during this difficult time in your life.

Why did I fall in love with Him???? Her ?????

Why did I fall in love with Him???? Her ????? 150 150 Abbe Lang

Why do we fall in love with the people we do?

The basic reason is what I call the images that are created from our past- they are a buried internal images created in childhood of one or both of our caretakers. This image serves two purposes: it helps the baby recognize and distinguish the parents from other adults so that nurturing can take place; and in adulthood, this unconscious image of the parents helps you to unconsciously select a person to fall in love with — a person who is similar to your parents. This image includes the positive and negative traits of both  of your parents, and also includes your parents’ limitations in nurturing, loving or supporting you. We are attracted to people like our parents in order to finish the business we didn’t finish with them. Unconsciously, we feel like we’re in a survival mode, and so when we meet someone who is similar to our parents — we go into a kind of euphoria because deep down inside we believe we’re now going to get what we didn’t get in childhood. That’s what triggers the impulse most commonly called “romantic love.” The definition of romantic love I like the best is that it is  looking forward toanticipated need satisfaction that will soon be disappointed.”

How long does romantic love last? I’ve been in a relationship for six years now, and it still feels very romantic.

After six years in a relationship, if there has been much time spent together, there has to have been some ruptures in the romantic illusion: something one of you is doing really irritates the other, and the energy of the response to that irritation is intense. When the illusion breaks down a bit, you see some reality in your partner. You don’t say, “Hey, that’s like my mother or my father,” but you nevertheless react.

In the romantic phase, we don’t do much analysis — we just try to repair the rupture when it occurs, saying, “Oh well, it was just a bad day,” or “We love each other; we’ll get over it.” Lovers make lots of excuses to sustain the illusion. The romantic impulse is built into us, so it’s a natural response.

Research indicates that the bonding seems to end in most people after about three years;  When the bonding is secure, there’s a growing shift in our perception towards irritability, disappointment, frustration, increasing conflict — “You’re not the person that I thought you were” kind of thing. Neurochemists say that there’s an amphetamine high when you fall in love, which reduces into an endorphin sense of well-being. And when the bonding is there, the endorphins begin to be replaced by adrenaline. Then you’ve moved into the “power struggle,” which is where most couples stay fixed for most of their marriages: they either function in a “hot marriage” — fighting — or a “parallel marriage” — living together but not interacting much. Or they get a divorce and end it all, or they do what I recommend: become conscious in their marriage, heal each other, and go on to live out their dreams.

Stay tuned for my continuing blog on Why we fall in love with the people that we do.

The Imperfect Marriage

The Imperfect Marriage 150 150 Abbe Lang

Coaching so many of my married clients who so desperately want to have a perfect marriage really got my wheels spinning to create this entry. Is there really a perfect relationship out there? Is there really a perfect marriage?

I would like to challenge you to accept and expect imperfection in your marriage. Expect that you will fight, and then make up, make love and maybe fight again. How could you possibly expect that two people, of different genders, some times opposite personalities, are going to live without clashes in one house forever. If you got married to get a ticket to happiness ever after you may be setting yourself up to be very unhappy or even divorce. Here are four things you can count on in your marriage:

-Marriage can be difficult
-the grass is not greener on the other side
-Enjoy the highs because the dips are always around the corner
-Nobody is perfect so love the one you are with

This last point I feel is particularly significant. It means if you are searching for perfect love elsewhere, I can save you a lot of heartache and tell you that perfect love doesn’t exist. People stray from their spouses to be with someone who is sexier, smarter , more fun only to find out the same tough relationship issues surface again. Reason being you took your same imperfect self with you and from that there is no escape.

I have coached countless number of people who are unhappy in their relationships that will try the hardest to point the finger outwards instead of doing the internal work to change themselves. The one most important thing that has to change in your relationships is believing someone else can make you happy. Happiness is self-generated. Look at marriage as a safe space to build the deepest of love, over time, through joy and sometimes sadness. Marriage may at times be difficult but a good marriage means a good life. So surrender the fantasy and embrace the reality.

DIVORCE -Should I STAY or Should I GO?

DIVORCE -Should I STAY or Should I GO? 150 150 Abbe Lang

Ladies, It seems that one of the most pressing questions I receive from my female clients who are unhappy in their marriage is “Should I stay and work on my marriage or should I divorce?”

Obviously this is a very personal question that needs to be handled based on your situation but there are some things to think about when making your decision. What led you to your unhappiness in your marriage to begin with? Was he unfaithful? Did he not nurture your needs as a woman? Was he unable to communicate? Does he have a problem with addiction?

Sometimes our unhappiness stems from ourselves and our interaction with our spouses. In these cases there are many things we can do for self improvement to change the dynamics of our relationship. Believe it or not one of you can implement major changes even without the other participating. Other times though we know the marriage needs to end but don’t have the intestinal fortitude to move forward. It can seem scary to be on our own after being with someone for so long. I tell my clients it’s like taking the first step on a staircase without seeing the whole set of stairs. And this is how it will feel in the beginning. Baby steps one at a time to re establish who you are and how you want to live the rest of your life.

A very powerful tool I also teach when making your decision is called the Pain/Gain model of action. Take out your journal and list at the top. Current Action=Stay Married, Future Action=Get Divorced. Then you ask yourself -What is missing from my current situation and why do I desire that or what is important about that to me. What is the pain of continuing in my present situation? Get All of your thoughts out. Now move on to your Future Situation(divorce) Ask yourself -What are the benefits for the desired change and why are those benefits important to me? What would I gain if I change, and get divorced? After doing those two entries you have to now be fair to yourself and evaluate all of the Gain from Staying in the marriage and all of the Pain if you should leave. Sometimes when our situations seem bleak we tend to paint a different picture then what is.  This tool is a great first step to sort out your thoughts, feelings and emotions on your relationship .