Have you ever wondered why specific patterns keep showing up in your relationships? Maybe you always attract the same type of partner, struggle with confidence, or feel like no matter what you do, you can’t shake the fear of being judged. I see this all the time with my coaching clients, and honestly, I’ve battled it myself.
Recently, I revisited some powerful insights from Michael A. Singer‘s Living from a Place of Surrender, Session Four: The Mind, Part Two. His work highlights why our minds keep us trapped in old emotional patterns and, more importantly, how to finally break free.
How Childhood Hangups Shape Relationships
Singer explains that our minds store every emotionally charged experience we’ve ever had, especially the ones we resisted or clung to. These stored experiences become the invisible script that runs our lives.
I once coached a woman, Lisa, who kept sabotaging her relationships. She’d find herself pulling away just as things got serious. When we dug deeper, she realized her fear stemmed from watching her parents’ messy divorce as a child. Her subconscious mind stored the belief that love always leads to pain, so she unknowingly pushed people away before they could hurt her.
Sound familiar? Maybe you grew up with criticism, and now you second-guess yourself in every relationship. Maybe you were ignored, and now you constantly seek validation from your partner. The patterns aren’t random; they’re echoes of the past.
The Illusion of Control in Love
Another way the mind keeps us stuck is by convincing us that life and love should unfold according to our script. When things don’t go as planned, we suffer.
I remember working with a client, Jake, who was obsessed with finding “the perfect partner.” He had a mental checklist of what she should look like, how she should act, and even how she should express love. If a woman didn’t fit his mold exactly, he’d dismiss her. He didn’t realize that he was living in his mind, not in reality. He wasn’t open to experiencing love; he was trying to control it.
Singer’s wisdom is clear: Suffering isn’t caused by reality. It’s caused by our resistance to it. When we let go of rigid expectations, we create space for love to show up in ways we never imagined.
Building Confidence by Releasing the Past
Life doesn’t always go as planned.
I know this all too well. For 15 years, I lived what looked like the perfect marriage, a beautiful family life that felt stable and secure. And then, in an instant, everything changed. I found myself suddenly a single mom, navigating the unknown with three young children depending on me. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
I had two choices: let my circumstances define me or take control and create the life I truly deserved. I chose the latter.
At first, I tried the usual coping methods…staying busy, pushing through, and doing everything I could to keep it together. But deep down, I knew I needed something more. I didn’t want to just survive; I wanted to thrive. And that meant facing the thoughts and beliefs that kept me stuck…the doubts, the fears, and the deeply ingrained stories that told me I wasn’t enough.
Through that journey, I discovered the incredible power of inner transformation. Despite the odds, I flourished, not just as a single mom raising three amazing sons who are now thriving adults but also as a businesswoman. I built and operated a multi-million-dollar company. And while I wasn’t always willing to admit it, there was still one thing my heart longed for: love.
More importantly, I wanted to be loved again.
Once I truly stepped into my confidence, everything changed. I met an incredible man (14 years younger than me) who saw me for who I truly was: a strong, empowered, and confident woman. Using the same framework that took me from lost and heartbroken to an unstoppable force, I not only rebuilt my own life, but I helped my now-husband build a multi-million-dollar mortgage and construction company from the ground up.
I learned that confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build. It starts with breaking free from the stories your mind tells you… those old wounds that whisper you’re not worthy, not lovable, or not capable. You are. You always were.
If I could rise from heartbreak, rebuild my life, and create a love and success beyond my wildest dreams, so can you. And I can show you how.
How to Free Yourself
So, how do you break free from these mental traps?
- Notice the patterns. Pay attention to the thoughts that show up in relationships, especially the ones rooted in fear or insecurity.
- Question the old stories. Are you really unlovable, or did someone just make you feel that way once? Is love really unsafe, or was that just your experience growing up?
- Let go of control. The right person won’t always match your mental checklist. Instead of forcing love, open yourself to experiencing it.
- Surrender to the moment. True peace comes from accepting life as it is, not as you wish it to be.
Final Thoughts
Your mind is an incredible tool, but it shouldn’t be running your love life. Instead of letting it control your happiness, start observing it, questioning it, and, ultimately, freeing yourself from its grip.
If this resonates with you, I highly recommend Living from a Place of Surrender by Michael A. Singer. And if you’re ready to do the deep work to heal your relationships and rebuild your confidence, let’s connect; I’d love to help you step into your power.